Rape

In my young mind, sex was okay. It was natural. However, for a six year old to believe so is not a good sign. No one ever gave me the Talk, which I guess wouldn't have mattered in the end. For years, I have had to struggle to remember the things that happened before my family moved. I was in second grade when we did. At this time, my parents were battling for custody. Too busy to care much for my sister and I, they sent us from house to house from constant accusations.
As I think about it, I was once questioned by a police officer about whether or not my father touched me inappropriately. I had said no and that was that. My dad, as a single parent, did not watch my sister and I very well. We were allowed to roam the apartment complex as we wished, which caused many problems. This apartment complex for one, was not the best place to allow your children to roam unsupervised. My early childhood is very fuzzy, but now it makes sense. I repressed being raped until two years ago.
I was friends with a boy named Cody, who was the son of a drug addict with a bad boyfriend. Secretly, Cody introduced me to sex tapes at his house, but I had seen my father's already. I went over there one day to play with Cody, but him and his mother were not home. The boyfriend was there and said I could wait for them to return. I played with those army figurines and some video games. As I was playing with one of those binoculars that had the images you click, he asked if I wanted to see his puppy. I said yes, as a six-seven year old will. He reached down his pants and put my hand on his penis. He encouraged me to stroke him and he got very excited. He touched me for a moment, like he was checking something and disappeared into his bedroom. He came back and took me into the almost pitch black room. He proceeded to take off all my clothes, then laid me on the bed. I was raped after that. It hurt so bad, I couldn't even scream. Tears were shed without me knowing, it ended rather quickly when he came. He wasn't wearing a condom and my body was so sore. I started to cry now. It hurt so bad. He got dressed and gave me a bath, cleaning me carefully making sure he got all the blood and semen he could. I was given a painkiller, while he got my clothes. It took the pain away rather quickly. I was sent home after about thirty minutes.
There are two things that I notice when you are sexually traumatized; you either liked being touched or you cannot stand it. I have noticed this. Another friend that was sexually traumatized, became a sex addict once he discovered sex felt good. He doesn't care about his partners, he just wants sex. I do not want to be like that so I conquered my fear of sex, but I am not a sex machine. I am proud that I did this on my own. My parents do not understand me and I do not want them to try to.
I did understand that it was bad before I just forgot all about it. I just thought that I messed up by not enjoying it. After I had sex again, I realized that something was wrong. Then it flooded back. I cried that day, but I was soon over it. I could not change what happened, I can just move on. However, my father had me take a psychological evaluation. I told the counselor, but when I told him of the rape, he insisted on reporting it. The police did not understand that my parents might not know about the rape and to be honest, I really didn't want them to. In the end, my parents were told that they were investigating something else about Cody. Lucky me. This was reported, but I do not hold my breath on the rapist being charged. I did not remember until I realized I was not a virgin, which I had been convinced without a doubt for so long.